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Space Ace!/Transcript
Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen] Space Ace! A less successful cousin of Don Bluth's smash 1983 arcade hit Dragon's Lair. I know what you're thinking, "arcade hit, but what's this?" It's like some sort of movie. This isn't a movie theatre, we're not watching The Lion King! You're right, we're not! Don Bluth is EX-Disney! Duh! HAHA -- fuck. It's weird now, to think that there would ever be a successful arcade game that was basically the equivalent of joystick DDR, But you got think about it from the point of view of the average kid that thrived from the video gaming scene two decades ago: They walk into an arcade and you'd see something like this, something like this, and then, WHOA! What's that? The future? Is that Blade Runner? Iza-Elijah Wood in Back To The Future Two? SCRIPTWRITING. These games were made by the living legend Don Bluth, or as he's better known: The Half Second-Cousin of Mitt Romney. IS ACTUALLY TRUE Or as he's BETTER known: The visionary behind such movies like The Secret of NIMH, The Land Before Time, and An American Tail. At the time, this was really impressive - I mean, they were fully animated features. And look at this, I've even got some of the original samples of Space Ace, and the opening sequence from Dragon's Lair Neato, right? JON, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN OUR HOUSE? AhmaGAHmeGAHmige--! I'll get the guns. Even though it wasn't as recognized as its predecessor, and even though it's not really a game in the way we know today, it's still a dazzling experience to play Space Ace. So you know what? I think I wanna play me some Space Ace right now. You think I got me one of those Space Ace half-chubs if you know what I'm saying? Can I give me a high five? Can a brother relate? Well if you wanna say it like that, I mean, I guess, that's how it's gonna be? A-WANNA-PLAY.. SssPACE ACE, DANG IT! I'm gonna go figure this shit out. Argh... shit. I don't think this is gonna work. GOSH-DANG-IT, CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE m... ...IT'S A SPACE ACE! IT'S FOR THE SUUUPER NINTENDO! THANK Y-- ahh! Space Ace on SNES, huh? Wonder if it's any good.. I mean after all, we're not dealing with SEGA CD in Full Motion Video here. Bring the Sega CD footage. Ohhhh... Aw, yeah! Look at that! Snazzy to say the least. Alright, Borf: Alien, seeks to establish his power on planet... uh'd okay Infanto-ray, weapon to render earthlings- uh- da'hey hey uhm, okay - would you mind slowing down the text a bit or at least packaging your game with a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air throne, because otherwise, I think we're going to have a problem. The fuck!? So here we get a look of our main characters. Ace, our titular hero; Kimbery, the stereotypical damsel in distress; and Borf, blue dude. He's fucking blue, here's a list of ta-uh- tax receipts. Oh, okay, mm. Apparently, they really like the look of each other. Hey Ace, you don't gotta 'splain nothing to me! I know that feel right there. Can't take your eyes off each other. Don't worry, I'm just as confused as you are, lady. The f- The fuck was-- the fuck was that? Why'd you wink at me. What do you know that I don't? I don't even know. Oh... what was... what was tha--? Oh, here-- oh-- here it comes!- nope, uh-- OH I CAN'T STOP IT! ДУУУУУРАК! What the FUCK? It's like five seconds in the game, and I already died due to some bullshitly hard laser. And what-what sound did he make upon dying? HMM-HMM. "Hmm-hmm?" HMM-HMM. "Hmm hmm..." (exasperated gasp) HMM-HMM?!! No, I mean, what kind of death sound is this? Like I can't even get over it. I think this is the absolute fastest a game has left me speechless. NO LITERALLY ISTHIAMATHAFAKING HAMMING? Then... BRING ON THE MARIACHI BAND! THAT'S NOT MARIACHI...! The very first thing you'll notice about this game is well, I'm pretty sure they didn't want you to control it. I mean this guy controls like he's having a romp through a field of honey. Okay, maybe I can dodge the lazer by going up here-- Ah, jeez... FUCK, come on! This is the first god damn screen of the game, why is it so hard!? What is it with the adaptations of the Don Bluth arcade games that have notoriously difficult first-screens? Can't be coincidence. But hey, we're dealing with a game made by Absolute here. Yeah, the same people that made the Home Improvement game. This is a home improvement over nothing. HRNRNK So turns out this is a firing pattern you'd have to memorize. How gracious of the creators to aid you in this challenge by giving you a straight-up one-hit death. It's one of those games. You know, no matter what it is, one hit and you're dead. And I mean, if it's so much as touches the area around your tiniest pixel you're dead! If you take a look at the arcade game, you see that they were pretty much trying to emulate it to a tee. Looks cool here... not so much here. Awesome here... but hey, I don't know, when it's here... I think I gotta catch a bus or something. Couldn't they have at least used the Space Ace music or something, that was awesome! Instead, we literally get a loop of.. this Ugh, this!? What is this, it hurts! NNG! OH! He makes.. a painful sound.. when he jumps, HE MAKES THE SOUND... OF AGONY, FROM HIS BASIC JUMP ABILITY! WHAT?!? I--! Is this game a piece of conceptual art and experiment in making the player feel self-loathing for attempting to play the game? If so, I applaud them. In what game... no I mean, seriously- even among the worst games ever created, in what game does your character CRY IN AGONY from jumping? NNG! Seriously, it makes me feel bad, I don't want to make him jump now, It's like when grandma is getting up when you want to go to the store and she's like: ECH, ECH, F-NYECH... and you're like: "Ah's, ah's'alright grandma just sit down, don't worry about it." I mean what if you were playing Braid and he's just like: "ACH, OW, OH GOD, please stop playing. Please! Stop!" Man, you wouldn't want to solve time puzzles anymore! You's want to get him a fuckin', eh... chocolate milk or something! These jumps are absolutely impossible to make sometimes; quite unbelievable in fact. The game is going for some sort of semi-isometric perspective, but it all looks like it's on the same plane, so when you try to make a jump like this, you're bound to fall. It's borderline random! Not to mention you have to hold down the B button to jump higher, and the moment you let go, he'll fall no matter where you are in the jump. So you have to time it juuuust right, or you'll fall. IT AIN'T... FUN. But hey, at least you get a little animation after you die. "Here's a lollipop after your doctor's visit... D'uh, you may have herpes, but it's... it tastes like... cinnamon." Also, appearently, I'm supposed to be able to turn into a muscular version of Ace here where it says "energize," but I'm pushing about every damn button on the controller, and nothing's happening. So, okay, I assume that I had to maybe collect enough of these floor... things to do it. That's how you know you made a good game, when you make the player question: "Hmmn, maybe if I collect enough of these fucking floor panels then the game will work." SOMEBODY GR--! GRAB ME A WHISKEY. "Far out. Far out." Far out. So after about 300 million tries, Ace gets in his space ship and zooms off. Alright, on to the next level: SPACE MAZE. N-de-eh... SPACE MAZE. JESUS, WE'RE GOING IN HARD, STRAP IN! squeak WHAT THE...?!? SHOOT!!! HEY! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Well, at least it lives up to it's name: "space maze." Where do I fricken' go!? What is this, how do I d-what is it--? WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?! So it turns out you ARE supposed to go into these black hole things, but only... sometimes, I guess? They take you to the different levels, but only... sometimes. Hey, some labels would have been nice! You know, like any other game ever? Alright, well, I finally found one that works, let's see where this takes us. D'uh, I guess it's some side-scrolling level. Eh, that guy sure has some good aim. Jesus Christ! How are you expected to do this, all in one life? This is absolutely masochistic! It's not even fair! These pillars are sprouting up everywhere, and if you even barely scrape by one, you're dead and have to start all over! I CAN'T! MMMMM!!! Oh, everybody's favourite, Space Maze. Oh... I don't care, next level. "Barren Wasteland." Yeah, you hit that nail right in the head. Oh. Bunnies? Don't worry everyone! It's just the level with the fucking mutant bunnies! You know, the one with the GOD DAMN PURPLE BAH-KNEES? Dff, what?! Jesus! That was f-brutal! When you die by the bunnies, all three of you just fall of the cliff simultaneously, jeez! 9 Haaaaah, they fell, they all fell. Dust in the wind. Sh-I'mma get sued by Kansas! Oh, who's this guy? Hey, is that toast? Uh, nope. It's just a giant hand of death. Alright, almost at the end of the level here. Oh my god, what do I do- where- where do I go, what do I do, WHAT DO I DO?!? Okay. UH-KAY. UH-KA. UH-K. UH-CH. What? The...the screen just stops scrolling! What was I supposed to go? I was almost at the end! Now I gotta go back and do all of this shit again... I can just... Okay.. almost there again! You... you beat the level... WITH A LEAP... OF FAITH?!! ... I give up, that's it. Category:Transcripts